I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
