I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
