Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
