what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
