as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
