She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
