And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
