just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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