Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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