so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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