I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
