So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
