she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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