I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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