his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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