God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
