Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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