am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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