we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
