ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
either way he was missing a nipple.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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