I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
