yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
This is classic penis vs brain.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
