I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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