I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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