can we get nightvision for the apartment?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
