I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
These tits shall not be calmed
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
