Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
