If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
