well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
