dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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