Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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