I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
