I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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