It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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