My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
