I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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