Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
