The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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