So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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