i permit you to call me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
