Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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