Betty ford says i'm here all night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
