Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
