this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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