I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
