I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
