don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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