You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
