she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
