Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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