Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
