God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
